Strong Arms and Ocean Water
by o-9
Summary: Summary: Bucky and the OC won't admit their feelings for each other, causing quite a bit of angst, based on the songs "Arms" and "A Drop in the Ocean" Character: Nives is a Croatian warrior that joined the Avengers after the Croatian government refused to support her in her crime fighting.
1. Chapter 1

"James had never been one to show his feelings, NIves, and you've got to know that," Steve said, holding me against his side and brushing my hair as tears slowly poured down my cheeks.

 _A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather._

Everything had happened so suddenly, well not altogether suddenly. I had fallen for Bucky slowly, and each day seemed to grow only a little, so that it was a few months in before I had even realized it.

 _I never thought that you'd be the one to hold me heart. But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start._

*Four months earlier*

Bucky and I were on one of the couches, watching movies and when it would get to the scary parts, Bucky would pull me close with his right arm draping across my shoulders. It wasn't anything romantic, Bucky was still tensed and just as scared as I was, but whenever he did it, I felt peace wash over me. I felt at home.

 _You put your arms around me and I'm home._

The next morning I woke up, wrapped up in Bucky's arms, the both of us crashed haphazardly on the couch. I didn't fare move, so that Buck could keep sleeping, but then he said, "Oh good, wanna go get some breakfast?"

*Bucky's POV*

I had woken to my arms wrapped tightly around something warm and squishy, and looked down to see Nives curled between my legs and on my chest. The night before it had seemed like a good idea, we had been watching movies and having fun, but now I was second guessing myself. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but I knew she didn't feel the same way with the way she always looked at Steve and talked about him. True, I had feelings for her, but for what? For my heart to be broken? As soon as I had laid eyes on her, I thought she was beautiful, but now that we've gotten to know each other, it seemed like the mere thought of her would make my heart beat out of my chest. and, oh, the sweet smell of her cocoabutter shampoo, still fragrant after so long a time, I wanted to lie like this forever, but I knew she wouldn't be one to try and reel me in, why would she try, with the past that I've had, that I keep trying to bury.

She stirred then, and immediately the thought to stay there all day vanished and I did a 180 in my thinking. Remembering that we were just friends and she likes Steve.

I silently cursed myself and hoped maybe waking up next to me might changed something.

 _How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around. I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown. I hope that you see right through my walls, I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling._

*Nives' POV*

I reluctantly agreed to breakfast, still groggy from lack of slee, but Bucky said he's pay, and I couldn't pass up a free meal.

The affection from the night before was gone now though, and I found myself thinking about what was missing. I racked my brain for what it could be when Bucky excused himself to go to the bathroom, brushing his hand over my shoulder, again making me feel at home.

i started daydreaming about all the times I had been with Bucky, that had always seemed incomplete, and I began twisting them to make them affectionate. However I doubted Buck had romantic feelings for me, it was on the rare that he was affectionate, but still the two of us had become best friends.

 _I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, but I'm holding you closer than most, 'cause you are my heaven._

Bucky was probably the one I was closest to, other than Wanda, being as we had rooms right next to each other and would often "sleep over" when the other had stuff to get off their chest.

Like when Wanda confessed to liking Vision and I squealed nearly loud enough to wake Nat up on the other side of Wanda's room.

Bucky sat back down, snapping me out of my thoughts, "You okay? You look a little flushed."

Bucky looked around, seeing if there had been any cute guys who had walked in while he was gone. I rolled my eyes and he chuckled a bit, after which I continued my ranted theory about the last movie we had watched.

By the time we had finished breakfast it was nearly 10 AM, so we headed back to the complex, getting a text from Tony saying we needed to get back for a mission.

—–

When we had finished the mission, Buck collapsed on the couch we were on the night before, and I took my place sitting on his feet to trap him.

"Not dar," he whined, and then proceeded to try and kick me off, all the while I laughed and held on to his legs.

Suddenly I was on the floor, my vision going in and out as VIsion (ha) looked over me trying to get me to respond and a nervous looking Bucky in the back round.

*Bucky's POV*

I sat by her hospital bed, waiting for her to wake up and when she did, she was still a little ditzy.

"Bucky, Buck, I needa tell ya something," she stated, slurring her words and making them tough to understand.

My brows knitted together and that was all she needed to continue, "I love you, Buck."

In the least I could say I was taken back by this, and questioned her further, "Do you really?"

"Mm-hmm," she said, just before she passed out again.

Too bad she didn't remember that when she woke up.


	2. Chapter 2

_*right before present time: Bucky's POV*_

I plopped down on my bed, having spent the whole day playing video games with Nives, and I was utterly spent. There were times when she won purely because I had gotten distracted by her hair, glistening in the sun coming through the windows.

I stared at my ceiling, wondering if I should invite her to dinner, but decided against it. It was Friday night, and I wanted to make this night the night I confessed to her how I felt. And that was better done where she can lock herself away if she gets embarrassed.

 _I don't want to waste the weekend._

I sighed and got up, opening the door right before she had time to knock, and she smiled up to me.

"Hey, buck," she said, "Nat, Wanda, Steve and I are gonna go catch something to eat, wanna come?"

I kept my disappointment off my face, "Sure."

As I say there, I knew I couldn't tell her how I felt, so I decided that I needed to push myself away. No one wants a broken person anyway.

 _*few days later*_

I wrote her a letter, telling her that I loved her, but that I was leaving. I told her that I couldn't bare to break her heart, or mine, and so I was leaving, and told her I would miss her, but she shouldn't worry too much, I'll be okay.

 _I'll never let our love get so close._

I was on a train, heaving south, I had gotten an apartment in Miami and would be living there, for I wasn't sure how long, but enough to get over this crush. The whole ride I thought of Nives, hoping that she wouldn't try looking for me. Wondering if me leaving was all she needed to fall for Steve. But I couldn't help the tears from falling, and I knew I would be away for a long time, because I would never move on.

 _As me train rolls down the East Coast I wonder how you keep warm. It's too late to cry, too broken to move on._

 _*Nives POV*_

I had found and read the letter in Bucky's old room, and I screamed. In doing that, Steve came running in, bewildered and worried maybe Bucky had snapped. But he saw me crying and picked the letter from my hands, reading it quickly before bringing me close to him.

"James had never been one to show his feelings, Nives, and you've got to know that."

I sobbed into Steve's chest, my body rocking with tremors, and mumbled a sorry for getting his shirt wet.

He quieted me, telling me it was going to be okay, "You've also got to know, this means he's scared, I don't think he would run if there wasn't something else going on… " Steve trailed off and I nodded, and my eyes started to close, tired from crying so hard. I laid my head on Bucky's pillow, breathing in the scent I had grown so accustomed to.

It was impossible that the rest of the team would want to deal with me for the rest of forever, being with the way I was.

 _The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved._

When I woke again, I pulled out my phone and tried calling Bucky, but it went straight to voicemail. I asked him to call me back, in a calm voice that was not anything like how I felt.

Those next few weeks I hardly slept, and when I did, it was only after I had listened to Bucky's voice mail several times, to hear his voice. I was completely consumed with the thought of Bucky.

It was to the point that, when we got another mission, Fury left me out, saying, "You can't be distracted, it could harm the rest of the team."

So I spent the next few days in my room, hardly coming out to eat or go to the bathroom, that when everyone came back, they asked if I was actually still there, because there was still so much food left in the fridge and things had started to accumulate dust.

 _And I just can't let you be, most nights I hardly sleep._

Then, one day, Bucky sent a letter:

 ** _Dear Nives,_**

 ** _I'm sorry I left. I've gotten all of your messages, your phone calls, but I can't come back. I'll just hurt you more than what this is doing to you. Please, I beg you to move one. I never should have let myself fall for you, because you deserve so much more._**

 ** _All the love in the world,  
James Buchanan Barnes 3_**

 _I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone. And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go._

There was no return address on it, so Steve did some research with Nat, and found where Bucky was staying. They didn't tell me though, saying that they would go instead, and by this time, it was fall, and the leaves were bright. The opposite of how I felt.

 _& New England as the leaves change, the last excuse that I'll claim, I was a boy who loved a woman like a little girl._

And yes, he even put a little heart next to his name.


	3. Chapter 3

I sat on the couch, my head leaning on my left hand, regretting… _**everything.**_

Then there was a knock on the door, and as I got up to answer it, it opened to Nat and Steve, clearly having picked the lock. I cursed myself for being so traceable and stood in one place.

"Buck, we need to talk, man," Steve said, taking a step towards me, holding his hands out to plea, as if I could burst at any moment.

I sighed and nodded, having not said a word in days, but only crying at my own loss. I took a seat at the makeshift table, Nat and Steve taking places as well. So this was going to be a diplomatic conversation.

Natasha put her hand on my human one, trying her best to have a look of _**co**_ mfort on her face. I smiled, taking her hand in both of min and squeezed lightly.

"What do we need to talk about?" I asked, looking from Nat to Steve, feigning idiocy. My voice was raspy, betraying just how upset I've been and broken down the past few months days.

Steve looked closely at the lines on my face, studying the crevices that hadn't been all that noticeable since I had first joined the Avengers.

"You need to come back, Bucky," he said, "You can't just run away from your feelings."

I looked down into my lap, "I can't, we both know what will happen if Nives gets too close to me. I'll snap again eventually and I -"

My voice trailed away.

Nat shook her head, "No one would let that happen, Barnes."

At that point my jaw started working as I tried to control my anger, "I'm not going back with you two!"

Nat and Steve simply looked at each other. "Come on in," Steve said.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

Next, Vision came through the door (literally), "I'm sorry I have to do this James." And I was knocked out.

"I feel like we're going to regret this," Nat said, putting her arm under Bucky's to lift him off the chair, "And he hasn't showered in more than a few days."

She turned her head to the side so as to try and not smell him too much.

"Well, let's forget about his initial upset with us, and when he wakes up, we'll try to talk him into at least, I don't know, talking to her."

"We will need a lot of help from some other being than us for that," Vision said, as the four of them walked out of the apartment, Bucky being supported by Nat and Steve.

 _Misplaced trust in old friends, never counting the regrets, by the grace of God I do not rest at all._

* * *

Wanda held me in her arms, stroking my hair and quieting me, "It will be okay, Nives, everything will be okay."

It felt like my brain was trying to pound out of my head, making my vision swim and shift. A glass of water is pressed to my lips and I turn away, the lump in my throat already making it hard to swallow. But the cup was at my lips again and I figured it wouldn't stop trying to get me to drink, so I took a small sip of it, allowing it to play against my tongue. The sheer coldness made my mouth water for more and I found myself reaching out to take it. I ended up drinking all of it (only half a glass), and I turned to bury my head in Wanda's shoulder again to find Bucky sitting next to me. Time stopped as I took in Bucky's look, his beard that he hadn't shaved, the bags under his eyes, and the redness of them. Pink lips, that looked so soft, almost like I could kiss them, and oh how I dreamed of kissing them.

But time moved again, and the glass that was in my hand shattered against Bucky's arm, and I was screaming at him, I couldn't be sure what I was saying but he looked so hurt, and the tears spilled over the edge, ruining his perfect face. And now I was crying too, because seeing Buck like this made my heart turn to dust. His arms were around me then, and they were so strong, they held me there, and I fought him, I swore I did. My mouth speaking without thinking, and I beat into his chest like a mad woman.

Yet he just holds me, and though his arms keep me relatively still, they are somehow pliable and soft. As I start to calm down he lets me go, and just watches me, tears still steadily pouring down his face.

"I had no idea what I put you through, Nives," Bucky broke the silence, resting his hand on my thigh, and I quickly remove it.

"Nor will you ever really know," I didn't look at him, but made my voice as sharp the pieces of broken glass now on the floor, "I never want to see you again, Barnes."

I reverted to his last name because calling him Bucky… it was just too much, it let him see how much I still cared about him.

He put his hand on my cheek, gently forcing me to look at him, "I don't think that's true, otherwise Steve wouldn't have come to get me."

He looked at you with intent eyes, and a soft voice, the tears on his cheeks quickly drying, but there were new ones, I could see them, already forming and ready to start a new course.

I crossed my arms to shield myself from his gaze, like an onslaught of feeling and love. Soon they became clear, and I melted into them. Ages seemed to pass before I was snapped out of my daydream of … I can't really say. Of those blue eyes, above me and looking at me with nothing but love, and those pink lips coming ever so closer to my maple ones. But this was reality, and I turned my head away.

"How can I trust you? You left me, Bu-Barnes, you left me and the only reason you're back is because Steve dragged you here."

His crestfallen look gave me strength to keep going. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me.

"You broke me, and," I paused, _I still love you, I want to hold you, we can make this better._

Something in my look must have given Bucky a queue as to what I was going to say, because just then he grabbed me, and he kissed me, and he was salty from his tears and it sent my whole body into tingles, but it just had to be _wrong_. Because Bucky left, and he wasn't coming back, this was just to make me fall for him again. I pulled away and onto my feet, losing my balance slightly and when Bucky reached out to catch me I just stumbled backwards into the door.

"No," I shook my head, "No, y-you can't have me. I don't care how much I love you, I don't care how much you mean to me, you _can't_."

"Doll, I won't make you but I don't want to be on a bad page when we will have to work together."

Anger flowed through me at that, "If you're staying I'm leaving. I can't keep seeing you every single day. I can't keep wondering when the next time you're going to decide you can't do this anymore. I can't keep feeling at home in your arms, and loving you and wishing the best for you if you. You don't get to make the decision that I let you in."

"I know I wasn't there, I want to make up with you, and if that means taking a year or two or ten to gain your trust again, doll, I'll do it. I would do practically anything for you. But the one thing I won't let you do is walk away from this without trying."

 _I try my best to never let you in to see the truth. And I've never opened up, I've never truly loved till you put your arms around me._

 _I hope you see right through my walls, I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling. I'll never let our love get so close._

Bucky was right in front of me then, and my breath hitched as a new wave of tears ripped through me, blurring my vision, and I suddenly became aware that my headache was still there. I felt like I was going to pass out.

Bucky simply opened his arms to me, and all I could do was fall into them, breathing in his familiar scent, and letting go. Just like every time we come back from a mission and I collapse on my bed, grateful to finally be home.

* * *

Bucky and I were sitting on the couch, watching one of the latest movies to come out, that Tony was able to get because of what he called charm (and everyone else called cash). We were cuddling, Bucky's hand in my hair, absentmindedly brushing it.

"I'm happy," I blurted.

"What?"

"I just realized, I'm happy. You aren't an unattainable daydream anymore. You're real and you care about me and I just love you."

Buck smiled into my hair, "Good, you deserve it, doll."

 _Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore. No, no, heaven doesn't seem so far away…_


End file.
